Goodbye life

F*ck You - Lily Allen

Goodbye life, hello books.

While waiting for Grey's Anatomy to load, I thought that it'd be a good idea for me to update this crappy blog for the last time (maybe). You see, SPM is just a couple of months away and MARA trials are just around the corner. Well, not really but considering how time flies so fast these days, then yes. Ramadhan is a few days away, yay! Let's hope we all get another month of fasting, eh?

So this is it. Perhaps this might be the last post until SPM is over, so I'd like to do my speech now.

To anyone whom I've hurt/offended/etc , please forgive me for my irrational behaviour. I'm not going to find excuses for why I did it, but I did it and it's wrong. So I'm sorry.

To anyone and everyone who has helped me anywhere, anytime, thank you so much. You helped me become who I am today. May Allah bless you.

Wish me luck in SPM, In Shaa Allah.

Falling Out

Kun Anta - Humood AlKhudher 

We all have that one friend whom we turn to, anytime, anywhere. I used to have one. Used. What happened, really? I honestly do not know. Closures aren't my area of expertise because most of the time I end up being overly emotional or just plain angry. But I'm not here to rant about my lost friendship, but to address on the general topic of friendship instead. The story behind my already lost friendship should remain personal, so be it. 

The thing about having these kind of friends is that you always know that they'll be there for you so when you need them, they're really just a text or a phone call away. No, it's not called using your friend, calling and talking to them only when you need them. It's a kind of friendship you need to hold on to because it's the honest kind, it's that one friendship where you do not need to be in contact with each other 24/7 but you know that you're there for each other. 

However, when you fall out of these kind of friendships, you tend to feel a huge loss. Been there, done that. Heh. The thing is, the broken bond between you and your friend creates some sort of physical pain because who else would stick with you now? It's a lingering pain, I tell you, until one day it just fades away and all you're left with is loneliness and anger. The anger doesn't come from the broken friendship, it comes from you, most of the time blaming yourself for giving up on the friend. Yes, you might have been apologising your heart out to him/her and they might've 'accepted' it but truth is, sometimes it cannot be fixed. Like shattered glass, even if you glue it together the crack lines are still there to remind you of the problems that got in between you and them. Hence, you are left with the 'awkward friendship' where you still have each other's numbers but rarely texts each other and you still follow their Twitter and Instagram, occasionally liking their pictures and retweeting things. But you say nothing to each other, no words uttered, no problems shared, not even birthday wishes. 

I don't know about you but I find myself holding on to something a little longer than necessary, and in these kind of situations I always end up being the clingy one, constantly apologising (for things I did not even do) and hoping that the friendship would fix it way back to the way it was before. I end up being wrong 99.9% of the time, but I keep doing it. Maybe it's the guilt, or the memories that keeps bringing me back to what was already too damaged. 

Maybe it's good that you apologise and hope that it will eventually be okay, but sometimes letting go is the only solution. You let go of the memories, let go of all the bad times and the good times. Tell yourself that you can stand on your own, and maybe create new memories with new people. Forgive them for everything and anything that they've done to you and perhaps you'll find yourself a little more content than you've probably felt in months. Oh and on another note, even if you did let go of everything, you must know that it is okay for you to be missing them at times, we're all human after all. 

p.s. I'm home!!!!!! :) 

DUFF???

Boom Clap - Charli XCX

It's 3am and I have just finished watching The Duff (hence the title for god's sake lol). Like many other times, I don't really care what time it currently is, my fingers just have this itch to tap the keyboard for hours, and here it is.

A few days ago, my friends started leaving (as you might have read, they left for college through the SPC programme). First it was Qistina, then Mimi and Fifa. Heck, it was a lot to handle. I've never cried so much in my life, but the sadness came to me like a tornado, sucking me into the vortex of non-stop crying. But that didn't matter. I knew I would get over the crying, but not the going away part, ever. The thing about people leaving is that you would finally realise how much they mean to you or some other person and they make you think really hard of how you've been taking them for granted this whole time. Trust me, I would've known. Fifa and I had a bit of a fall out earlier this year, a large part of it caused by the separation on classes but if it wasn't for the school drama team, our friendship wouldn't have survived. But that's not the point here. When I knew she got the SPC offer, I was beyond ecstatic. Never once had the thought of losing her registered in my mind until one day, it hit me like a truck.
           Let me enlighten you on some of the events of when I was 13 to make you understand how much Fifa really mean to me. Despite being the eldest, I never really went anywhere alone. I rarely go to camps (most of the time I skip it) and that made me a little spoiled. Having to leave home to study in a cramped, isolated place about 300 km away, I was damn homesick. God knows how much I made my parents worry (sorry mum and dad, yikes) and here's a secret; I cried everyday up until August. That was when I started to really pair up with Fifa and decided to become 'BFFs' (if we could evven be called that). Sure, I had spent a fair amount of months hanging out with her before, but this time it got more intense and serious. Now that I think of it, she might be one of the reasons why I was able -to go through my high school years.
              Today, I realised that she turned me into something better without even me realising it. God, I wish I didn't try to ignore her a few weeks before she left. I really thought my plan would work; ignore,be separated, drift away and hurt less when she leaves. I was damn wrong. It made me miss her more, to be really honest. I'm holding up (hopefully) and Fa, you better watch your back. I'm catching up. Heh.

P.s . I think I'm the DUFF in not  only our relationship, but in many other group of friends that I'm associated with. But what hell, I'm not going to let some stupid acronym ruin my life. Get over it. We are what we are. You are who you are. So own up to it. Be you. 

Til' my fingers start to itch for the keyboard again, ciao! (since when do I do goodbyes?? lol) 

0059

Langit #flyinghigh - Yuna

It's a minute til' one and I decided too write before I finally go to bed and face tomorrow. I mean, today. The morning light.  I realized that my last post was a bit well, unplanned and all over the place. Can't complain, really. I was damn confused and worried. Anyway, I don't really have anything planned for this post, but I really just wanted to write. 

Fear ; the feeling of being afraid. 

Now, the definition up there is really just a mere gist of what fear really is. Fear is subjective. It depends on how you see it, on how you feel it. What you think of it. What are you afraid of? For me, it's not being to see my family ever again. And to think of it, that is just one of the many fears of mine. 

You see, people fear many different things. Yet, we all have one thing in common. We fear rejection. Ever hesitated when wanting to ask someone out? Or perhaps the insecurities that haunt you whenever you're around your friends, worrying that one day you'll be out of the circle for 'not fitting in'? Honestly, I fear rejection too. Trust me, I do. Up until today, I still don't have the guts to tell the boy I've liked for 3 years about my feelings (yikes this got a little personal). But never mind that, the thing is here, we are all the same. I bet even the boy I like is hesitating to tell a certain someone about his feelings, too. Gah. It all doesn't matter. Truth is, rejection is normal. And so is the fear towards rejection. I'm not going to tell you to say, "Oh, f*** it." and do whatever you want to do (e.g confessing to your all time crush) because come on, even I wouldn't have enough courage to do exactly that under certain circumstances. But you know what we can all do? Embrace the fear and turn it into a motivation. Hey, I was once scared that I was going to be rejected by the entire school society, and look where I am now. Prove to the people that fear does not stop you from doing what you want to do. In certain conditions and circumstances, it's perfectly okay for you to stop and not do it. Wait. Until the day you finally have the courage to do it, the best thing to do is wait. 

In conclusion, what I'm really trying to say is it's okay to give in to your fears and insecurities. But you can't easily give up! Turn your fears into motivations and I promise you, great things will come. 

p.s. Til we meet again, ciao! Pls pray that I'd go through my semester exams smoothly. 

p.p.s. I met the one and only Aiman Azlan! (check out my instagram ; alyaaziran , for the picture)